In which a light becomes a message and miracle.

So… in case you missed it, this really strange thing happened on Wednesday morning.

And… well… I thought about rather not posting this, because I know it’s controversial, but I’m going to anyway. Why? Because it’s the truth and I realized how damaging it can be to a blog when the author lies, even when it’s by omission. This post will contain religious overtones and more than just a little testimony. So if you’re not interested, you might find reading one of my Wattpad stories more interesting.

Okay. Taking a deep breath here. While crying like a baby.

What I didn’t tell you on Wednesday:

You know how Job felt when everything got taken away from him? Well. I can safely say I think my family and I got a great taste of it. Except for the bit where his entire family died. And where he lost everything basically in a day or two.

I’m not going to go into the costs for everyone in my family, but to give you an idea of my score card for 2014:

1) Publishing deal went SPECTACULARLY wrong by January.

2) My and my mother’s business, which had taken a hit at the end of the year, didn’t bounce back thanks in a large part to some laws our government wanted to pass.

3) The farm we’d moved to, which had been such a huge source of hope, despite the business taking a hit, soaked up our savings and offered pretty much nothing back. I am not going to talk about what had to be sacrificed as a result of this, because it’s not pretty.

4) All of my hopes and dreams have basically been shelved until such a time that we could bounce back from all the spending on the farm. A farm, incidentally, that we were led to by God. 

5) Sacrifices and dream shelving aside, the person with whom we’d signed the buyer’s contract basically sold it out from under us in September. Yes, we could have fought this, but after already spending so much and still getting nothing back, we just couldn’t see a point to fighting for the farm. Besides which, we kinda realized that if God could open doors no one could close, and close doors that no one could open, it’s pretty dang obvious from the way these doors were closing that God did not in fact want us to stay on this farm.

6) We’d spend to the tune of $200 000 on the farm, which we ain’t getting back. To give you an idea of the magnitude of this amount. Until my salary went into said farm, my monthly salary, which put me in the upper-middle income class, was about $1500 per month.

7) Then… the shoe biz, the source of hope we all so desperately needed, went pear shaped due to actions taken by others. Actions completely beyond our control.

You know about breaking points? 

On Tuesday, 4 November, I’d officially reached mine.

The result was that I… well… I lost it completely. I had some seriously strong words with God. Testimony one: That He didn’t strike me down for at least a quarter of what I’d said, is more than proof enough that yes, He does love us as much as He says.

Anyway. So I get into the car and me, my mother and four of our employees go to Cape Town to unpack and count 5000 pairs of shoes.

God has sort of fallen silent as I left the room. (Yep, ours is very much a two-way conversation. No, that’s not at all an insane thing to say.) Then suddenly out of the blue, He says:

“Friday.”
Me: “What happens on Friday?”

Silence. With me sort of growing carefully optimistic that maybe something’ll get sorted for us before the weekend came. But even so, I had some niggling suspicions. Why now? After a whole freaking sucking year. Why now?

After dinner, we spoke and I sorta carefully ventured what I’d heard, then found that both my brother and uncle had gotten the same message. And my grandmother, that something would turnaround soon, but without a specific deadline.

Despite this, by Tuesday evening, I was doubting again. Not proud to say it. But there you go.

I didn’t doubt that something would happen on Friday. I just didn’t really think that any of it would really have a bearing on actually helping us get out of all this… well… crap.

So… yeah…

Night terrors. Waking often. Sorta, half lucid, half delirious praying… Yeah. I sometimes do that, if I drift off while praying.

Problem with this is that with sleep comes lowered inhibitions.

As such, I suspect (no way that I’ll ever really know) that I said something like: “It’s like You’re not here anymore.”

Because honestly, it’s something that’s been in my thoughts for some time, but that I haven’t actually been brave enough to actually put into words.

Nope. That isn’t when God turned His back on me forever.

That had to be the moment when He quite audibly said: “I’m here.”

And just in case I didn’t buy it this time: 

HE
TURNED
ON
THE
LIGHTS

Which, needless to say, more than got my attention. But of course, I didn’t think it was Him, because why would He? 
Except, the more you guys commented and I thought and prayed about it, the more certain I became. And you know what? There’s a reason why He’d do something as outrageous as defy the laws of physics and make lights burn without being “switched on.” He loves me. And He didn’t want me to worry for a second more that we were alone in all this. 
So what made me post this today? Well… It’s Friday, see. And I realized that I have an amazing Holy Father, who I don’t always understand, but whose love for me and everyone else defies understanding. 
Because starting at around noon today, EVERYTHING turned around and although we aren’t getting the farm, we’ve been given a chance to move on. Which, given that I can only assume it’s what God wants, is probably going to be only a million times or so better than anything I can come up with. 
So today, this seventh day of November, 2014, I proclaim in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, that this year has officially been turned around thanks to His profound love and mercy. 
You might wonder why I’m sharing all this? The answer is simple: I know that 2014 is a rough year for MANY of us, and it’s my hope that this post will bring you to a place of peace, comfort and blessings as well. And a place of knowing that, no matter what, God does love us, and He always will. Even when we say stupid stuff in our sleep. 
Thanks to those of you who read this! 
I’m feeling the need to pray for some of you, so if you have any needs that you think needs some prayers, please feel free to let me know in the comments. Or mail me at mishagericke(AT)gmail(dot)com
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THE MOST EXCELLENT NEWS

Oh my gosh, you guys! 

Oh. 
My. 
Giddy. 
Aunt!
Sorry…. I’m just coming to terms with…
Okay. *Deeeeeeeeeeep breath.*
I got my rights back. To both books. The Vanished Knight has been removed from all outlets and let me just say that I’ve never been so glad to be an unpublished author. 
As in… I’m so excited that I can’t even imagine sleeping tonight. 
All of my suffering for the past month or so… gone in as long as it took for me to read an e-mail. 
Wow. 
Just… 
Wow. 
Okay. I’m going to stop now. Hopefully tomorrow will give you a more cohesive post. 

Where I am today

I’m not going to lie. I’m sinking here and fast.

It’s just that difficult for me to stay positive about the shit going on in my publishing-life at the moment. Yes, I am feeling better now that I’m actively working towards doing something about it. But all in all, everything just feels so senseless.

Like the fact that I spent almost seven years on a project I might not be able to get back, depending on which way a law I don’t know will swing.

Like the fact that a deal that had so excited me when it first happened, can turn into a real-life nightmare.

Like the fact that I’ll probably end up spending most of my income from my day-job, just to possibly undo something that should never have happened in the first place. But I’ll have to do it anyway because after all those years spent working on those two books,  I can’t afford to avoid this battle, and I can’t afford going into it alone.

Truth is, I’m demoralized. I’m furious. I’m hurt beyond what most people can imagine.

And here I am, with books to edit, more books to write and others to research. I want to. I know I should be doing those things.

But the truth is that my heart is so broken that I don’t have the strength for it right now. Because every ounce of strength I have left is going into the fight I’m heading towards. A fight I never wanted, and never imagined having.

Worst of all, most heart breaking of all, it’s a fight that wouldn’t even exist if the publishing house only talked to me. 

Thank you to everyone who offered to pray. Please don’t stop praying. Cause right now, it feels like the only thing that’ll pull me through.

Wherein I’m going to the mattresses.

Okay.

So I waited out this thing with my publisher as far as I’m willing to risk it.

That’s actually why I didn’t return to blogging last week as promised. I was staring at my computer screen, growing my ulcer, screwing up my happy hormones… and checking my e-mails like an obsessive compulsive.  
And after a week, no reply from my publisher on something so serious it makes me nauseous just to think about.

So… I’m taking action. I’m actively screening IP attorneys, so if you know any good ones, let me know.

What’s pushing me to this? Well. That’s a nice, long story deserving of a nice long post. Which I will write and publish when 1) I’ve gotten the legal advice I need and 2) when it’s not April, because really, I want as many people out there as possible to give me their full attention. To help them learn from this horrible experience I’m going through with my publishing house.

And yes. It is horrible. It’s destructive, and it’s currently sucking my soul, more than being sick and being exhausted combined.

I will let something good come out of this. Even if the good ends up being for someone else’s benefit. 

And for those of you who pray:

1) Please pray I get the right person to act as my legal representation.
2) And pray that this ends up being a clean cut for me.