Update Day: Celebration Time

Today is the last Friday of the month, so it’s time for another Update Day for the Got Goals? Bloghop, where a few of us writerly bloggers share updates on our (lack of) progress towards our big and very important goals. If you’re curious or want to join in, click here.

September was a hectic month for me. The first few days was filled with panic and anxiety. The few weeks after that were filled with good times because one of my oldest writing buddies came all the way from Seattle to visit. At the same time, I had a major work function, major work deadlines, and… just general chaos around moving house. And I haven’t even physically moved house yet. Long story.

In short, most of my goals for this month fell by the way-side. But on the positive side, I had another record earning month despite all the chaos and I missed one of my major stepping stone goals by a relatively tiny amount. I was a bit peeved when I realized how close I got. But then I had a bit of a think and realized: Bloody hell. Two years ago, I started with starry eyes and an impossible goal. People told me not to even try this full-time writer thing. But here I am.

Full. 
Time. 
Writer.

Was it easy? No.

Was it fun all the time? Hell no.

Yet, despite all the challenges and the impossibility of what I was doing, I managed to build a thing. So yeah, a lot of other things took a knock so I could get here. This includes my writing and blogging, etc. But once we’re settled in our new house, I’ll be in a better place to actually write my own stuff than I’ve been in five years.

So all in all… Not bad.

I’m going to celebrate this month. And uh… move. Wish me luck.

How did your September go? Anything you’re celebrating?

While we’re on the subject of celebrating, an anthology I’m part of is now available for preorder. 

Enter our mysterious realms where the stories are as varied and rich as the types of soil on this and other planets. Enchanted forests are knotted with roots and vines. Dreaded paths take us through strange, unexplored places.

Investigate new worlds and houses frequented by ghosts. Come across witches and wizards and an assassin tasked to kill Death.

Meet hot robots, hungry winds, and the goddess of chaos. Explore alien lands, purgatorial realms, and a shocking place where people bury the living with their dead.

Encounter paranormal detectives, imprisoned dragons, dark demons, cursed jewels, and handsome prophets. Search shifting worlds trapped in mirrors and a disturbing future where a president aims to rid the world of Otherkind.

Experience a haunted journey on a riverboat, water sprites borne of pennies, preternatural creatures, ancient serpents, and the Lady of the Lake who lurks in dark waters.

From USA Today bestselling and popular science fiction and fantasy authors comes Elements of Untethered Realms, a supernatural compilation of the anthologies Twisted Earths, Mayhem in the Air, Ghosts of Fire, and Spirits in the Water. These forty thrilling tales feature authors Angela Brown, Jeff Chapman, Cathrina Constantine, Julie Flanders, River Fairchild, Gwen Gardner, Misha/M. Gerrick, Meradeth Houston, Graeme Ing, Simon Kewin, M. Pax, Christine Rains, Cherie Reich, and Catherine Stine.

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Insecure Writer’s Support Group: Hello Darkness My Old Friend… And Good Riddance for Now.

Guys… Just ahead of time, my words are going to be a bit sparing today. The explanation will be forthcoming in a second.

But yeah.

I know that this is somewhere that people don’t want to go all that often, but I felt this is the best place to put this because today is time for the Insecure Writer’s Support Group, and this is basically the mother of all of my insecurities, and I feel we have to go there. Even if it probably won’t be that well-written.

Even as I’m writing this, I’m feeling a certain level of self-censoring, because man, people do not like to talk about this… thing. This shadow of darkness that, whether we like to admit it or not, follows us all.

The world puts such a premium on everything being awesome that they don’t even like to hear when something isn’t. Unless, of course, it feeds their biases.

Think I’m lying? Next time in a social situation, if someone asks you how you’re doing, tell them you’re not doing well. I kid you not. Recently, I had a situation like this in church. Which… if you go, you know this is not the way things are supposed to go.

Other person: “How are things going? Did you get good news yet?”
Me: “Nope.”
Other person: “Oh, that’s awesome. Do you want earl gray or rooibos tea?”

But I digress.

We’re not all awesome all of the time, and sometimes, that darkness waiting in all of us wakes up to say hi. For some of us, it’s addiction, for others, rage issues or depression, for others (me included), it’s anxiety. Everyone has something. But no one really likes to talk about it because good God we can’t let others realize we’re not infallible!

The truth is, though, that we are not infallible. We’re all vulnerable to the dark corners of our mind. Most of the time, we just don’t let that side of us win. The thing is that sometimes, we’re just not on favorable grounds to win a battle against the darkness.

Take me. 90% of the time, I manage my anxiety and I do so without medication for a variety of private reasons. Which isn’t to say that I’m saying everyone should manage their issues without pills. (That would be irresponsible.) I’m just blessed in that I can.

But then my dark side shows up like an unwelcome guest and it feels like my world gets turned upside down. For me, it’s like trying to write/work/do anything with a 100-pound toddler throwing a tantrum right next to me all day long. I can (and do) still get stuff done, but I feel dulled down and less effective than I want to be and it drives me mad. And I know that if I pay too much attention to it, I’ll be useless.

At the same time, I have to process all that input and remember to put things into context. Like remembering that it’s almost certainly a neurochemical response to my environment. And remembering that it’s as much a case of my drive feeding my anxieties as it is my anxieties feeding my drive.

What do I mean by this? Part of why I’m good at the things I do is because I have anxiety (albeit in lesser concentrations) around achieving something to a certain standard. I hate failing and I hate being out of control. So my anxiety around both makes me take measures to ensure my success at the thing I’m doing as far as possible. So really, anxiety in itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

The issue is that I’m not perfect, and some things are not and will not ever be in my control. And its those imperfections and situations that make my dark side throw tantrums. And when that happens, my self-censoring and/or self-criticism is at its most destructive.

I was there from Sunday until last night. And honestly, it was the worst case that I ever experienced. But as bad as it was, I still feel proud because I feel like I won something. Because I fought back. Did I do so perfectly? No.

But did I let it make me miss an important deadline? No. Did it make me back out of any of my commitments? No. It was harder for me than usual, much much harder, but I made allowances the same way I make allowances for deviations from my normal expectations when I have house guests. And then I took steps to get back to normal.

Am I completely normal? Nope. I’m a bit tired. But I’m here, and I know that if I keep doing all the things that are in my control, things will keep improving and my dark side will remain in its own little corner, waiting for me to maybe do something positive with it like write.

How do you deal with your dark side?