A little glimpse into my mind today

This is so annoying.

On Friday I decided that it was time for a change, so I went hunting for a new background. (Hope you like it.) I was really excited.  Especially after my first concert went really well.

Then… this happened. To say the least, it’s a setback of the first order. For one thing, nothing looks quite as shiny as before.

NaNo is starting to look… unlikely.

As does my chances of getting anything written or edited.

Because if I fail my exam, I’ll have to go studying right through November. If I fail that, I have a deans exam in (I think) January.

If I fail that, I’m going to set fire to the text books and dance around it with glee.

Either way. Whether I pass this fucking subject or not, I’m done. There will be no more repeat performances.

My life will NOT be put on hold for another year.

Because fact is. I’m sick to my stomach of trying to understand what I’m supposed to write in tests when the text seems to be irrelavant.

I am sick of the fact that I have to sit down in my exam, wondering if I should write down what I know (i.e. what was written in the texts), or if I should guess what my lecturers want me to say.

I’m tired of being constantly reminded of the fact that this subject isn’t about my knowledge. It isn’t about how much work I put in. It isn’t about fucking anything, because policy will change. The people who pass the course will go on to change it, making everything I learned mean pretty much nothing.

I’m tired of spending hour upon hour trying to prepare for the academic equivalent of Russian roulette. Where the scores you get on the essays are more dependant on who marks it than the actual quality of the work.

I’m sick and tired of fighting to save something that should have been euthanized in my first year already.

My heart breaks at the thought that a time of my life that should be remembered with fondness has become my prison.

That the night I should have celebrated my success has become the night where I celebrate my failure.

Needless to say, I’m now stuck in that place where, if I were a boxer, I’d be lying face down on the boards, waiting for the ref to count me out. If I wasn’t so pissed off, I’d probably just stay there.

But oh no. I’m going to get up. And I am going to come back swinging. Starting today.

Because I did not sacrifice another year just to give up now.

AAAACK! Gremlin!

A few more days. My economics test will be on Tuesday night. Then the tension will (I fervently hope) slacken off.

Amazing what an evil little gremlin stress can become.

I’ve been getting along so-so this week with regards to studying. In fact my success was so mediocre that I changed the plan and took two days off.

No big right?

Unless your mother decides its a sign of a lack of commitment. And then proceeds to hammer you about it.

So now, instead of just focusing on studying harder, and for longer hours, my mind is split into little fragments. One tells me to relax. One that everything will be OK. One wonders if I am actually guilty of what I have been accused of. Another one is beating the previous one up. Its friend is telling me not to think about it and focus on the matter at hand. Of course, it’s screaming so hard that I can hardly hear what I’m reading. And finally, there’s the most dangerous one of all.

The one that keeps remind me of how much I’m regretting that I chose to finish my degree. Not because of the work involved. But because I can’t handle the emotional battering that goes with it, whether it comes from me or someone else.

So I’m trying to push all these into a box for later. It’s barely less than a week. I can handle this for so long. Right? Right.

Except that it’s like a chocolate addiction. The more I’m reminding myself of not thinking about it, the more, I am in fact reminding myself of the thing I’m not supposed to be thinking of.

So yeah… I ended up writing this to give my thoughts air. Hopefully they’ll stop breeding and crowding out my studies.

What do you do when the stress gremlin has you in its sights?

The Juggling Act (This is NOT an announcement of a hiatus.)


Hi all! As you can see, I haven’t done a TCoML in almost a week. Not because I didn’t want to, but rather because I couldn’t. I’ve just been too busy with everything.

I remember last year when I was at University with a lot more subjects than just economics and I managed to post almost every day since August. But then, my life was pretty much in shambles and I was able to add blogging to only studying and writing.

Now, I have to study, to work, to sing, to dance, to edit, to write and to be a leader for my church youth. AND that blog I started in August (incidentally a year ago yesterday) now has 606 readers and I’m still posting (except for yesterday) five days a week. My book is done and I have to edit. I still want to get it done by next year.

And then there are the up and coming projects.

So yes, as my life grew, so did my workload to the point where I struggle to schedule anything.

The last time that happened was in my A-level year. Now I’m going to do now what I did then. I’m not going to schedule. I know what I have to do. I have my priority list (as it is right now):

1) Study and attend class
2) Work, editing, Youth, reading and writing
3) Singing, dancing and blogging
4) Drawing

Armed with that, I know what I should choose when I have time. Didn’t sit down to study yet? OK then. My blogging has to move. Unfortunately, that means that I won’t be able to always post (although I will try). It also means that I definitely can’t visit as many of you as I do usually. As much as I’d love to.

That is and always was the secret to my life: It isn’t a balancing act. It’s a juggling act and sometimes I need to know when I have too many balls in the air. That’s when I start putting some of them in my pocket for later.

But it will only be for ten more weeks. Then ball number one will be gone forever and the rest of my life will begin.

And that will be when I’ll be back with a vengeance and in the long run, everything will get done. I just can’t do everything at the same time.

In the mean time, I want to ask you to please think of me or pray for me as I go slaying one of the big giants in my life.

What about you? What do you do when your time gets limited? Do you juggle or balance? 


Blog Fest Admin

Hi all! Just want to let you know that I’m being hosted by Christina Dos Santos with a post about cliches. So please head over and say hi. ^_^

Also, I will be doing the blog fest post later today (along with the explanation of what said fest entails). I’d do the whole thing now, but I have a ton of work, so I need to graft right now. Alas, the life of the economics student…

Anyway, I’ll be back later! X

Turns out I don’t need to do both.

Well, I’ve found something rather interesting lately. After all my concerns about writing and editing at the same time, something occurred to me this morning as I woke up.

I’m studying. And I’m editing. Both take part in the same half of my brain.

So of course I’ll struggle with switching over to creativity. Because it’s not the way I’m thinking right now. Yes, I could skip back to creativity if I wanted, but do I really have the time to be diverted by my muse? Uhm…

Not while I’m still a week behind due to a webmaster that I will shoot soon.

Instead, my free hours can be spent studying or editing. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even be able to finish my edits before my exams.

In the mean time, I’ll use any free time I have left after the above to read and refill my creative reservoirs so that I can go mad in November.

I mean, it must mean something that my exam is on 31 October.

Because on 1 November I can join NaNo. ^_^ Maybe this year I might even stand a chance of winning…

Oh yes! And then there’s this

Anyone else found their planning thrown by the actions/cock ups of others? Who else will be joining NaNoWriMo?

Goal Change!

So… I realized something that will completely throw any semblance of seeking balance out the window.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but as of the end of July, I will be finishing my degree once and for all. And that means studying. LOTS of it.

It means that I will start spending a lot of time on summaries and concentrating on economics. From the very beginning. In other words: At the end of July.

Which means that I won’t be able to revise all the way into August. On the contrary. I’m going to have revise 300 pages and do two editing rounds in three weeks. Because I am not letting anything compete for my attention while I’m studying. (At least it’s on font 14 for now, so not quite as bad as it sounds.)

So… If I’m not on as regularly as before, or if I’m slow to respond, or rare on the blogs, please think of me, because I’ll be up all the way to my neck in edits and revisions.

Why then, you might wonder, am I in such a hurry? Well… I won’t be able to edit for three and a half months. Which means that I’ll be able to give my crit partners more than enough time to crit my story. When I’m done with exams in November, I’ll be throwing myself into rounds 3-6. Hopefully I’ll be in 7-10 half way through December. And 10 to 15/16 at the end of January.
Then I’ll decide what I’ll do with the completed result. Will I query? Will I look for publishers? Will I e-publish? I’ll see. By then, the market might be calm enough for me to see what is the best option.

In the mean time, I have a crap load of work to do.

Have any of you ever attempted to get through revisions as fast as I will be? How did it go? Am I completely insane to even think it’s possible?

Heeeeeeeeeere’s Misha!

I’m back!

Finally after weeks of drumming my nails to the quick with frustration.

You see, I nearly died of curiosity to see what was happening to all of my bloggy friends.

Sigh. And here I am.

There’s so much to tell you!

So… I’ll do it news-style.

1) As you are well aware, I now have a job. Sadly (?) it involves commerce, but it is exciting enough to keep me interested. The only thing that I have against commerce is the fact that most of the jobs involve sitting at your desk and doing accounts.

This one does too, but it’s a high adrenaline kind of job. ^_^

When I have something to do.

When I don’t… I get to write.

2) Speaking of which. Work settled down enough on Thursday for me to write between e-mail checks. Since then, I have written almost 20 k words! Ten thousand of which was on the Doorways rewrite.

3) I looove being in full swing with Doorways. I’ve moved some things around and hurried things along a little. For now, it writes like a dream. It’s great to know where things are going.

The only thing that is a little tricky about the book is voice. I have two, and the story requires me to switch between them every now and then. And right now, Callan is drowning out anything and everything that James has to say.

4) In unrelated news, I know of a registrar’s secretary who will have a very bad day on Monday. My registration is due on Tuesday, but they still haven’t opened up my account. I hope for her sake that my account is open by 08h30 on Monday.

Right now, I’m not angry.

I’m storing it for later…

5) Good news again: I was given an award! I will blog about it on Monday when more people are online.

6) I’m pathetic at remembering news. Which probably doesn’t count. I’m sure you all realized how scatterbrained I am.

So…

What’s news there? You can’t believe how much I missed you.