A little glimpse into my mind today

This is so annoying.

On Friday I decided that it was time for a change, so I went hunting for a new background. (Hope you like it.) I was really excited.  Especially after my first concert went really well.

Then… this happened. To say the least, it’s a setback of the first order. For one thing, nothing looks quite as shiny as before.

NaNo is starting to look… unlikely.

As does my chances of getting anything written or edited.

Because if I fail my exam, I’ll have to go studying right through November. If I fail that, I have a deans exam in (I think) January.

If I fail that, I’m going to set fire to the text books and dance around it with glee.

Either way. Whether I pass this fucking subject or not, I’m done. There will be no more repeat performances.

My life will NOT be put on hold for another year.

Because fact is. I’m sick to my stomach of trying to understand what I’m supposed to write in tests when the text seems to be irrelavant.

I am sick of the fact that I have to sit down in my exam, wondering if I should write down what I know (i.e. what was written in the texts), or if I should guess what my lecturers want me to say.

I’m tired of being constantly reminded of the fact that this subject isn’t about my knowledge. It isn’t about how much work I put in. It isn’t about fucking anything, because policy will change. The people who pass the course will go on to change it, making everything I learned mean pretty much nothing.

I’m tired of spending hour upon hour trying to prepare for the academic equivalent of Russian roulette. Where the scores you get on the essays are more dependant on who marks it than the actual quality of the work.

I’m sick and tired of fighting to save something that should have been euthanized in my first year already.

My heart breaks at the thought that a time of my life that should be remembered with fondness has become my prison.

That the night I should have celebrated my success has become the night where I celebrate my failure.

Needless to say, I’m now stuck in that place where, if I were a boxer, I’d be lying face down on the boards, waiting for the ref to count me out. If I wasn’t so pissed off, I’d probably just stay there.

But oh no. I’m going to get up. And I am going to come back swinging. Starting today.

Because I did not sacrifice another year just to give up now.

AAAACK! Gremlin!

A few more days. My economics test will be on Tuesday night. Then the tension will (I fervently hope) slacken off.

Amazing what an evil little gremlin stress can become.

I’ve been getting along so-so this week with regards to studying. In fact my success was so mediocre that I changed the plan and took two days off.

No big right?

Unless your mother decides its a sign of a lack of commitment. And then proceeds to hammer you about it.

So now, instead of just focusing on studying harder, and for longer hours, my mind is split into little fragments. One tells me to relax. One that everything will be OK. One wonders if I am actually guilty of what I have been accused of. Another one is beating the previous one up. Its friend is telling me not to think about it and focus on the matter at hand. Of course, it’s screaming so hard that I can hardly hear what I’m reading. And finally, there’s the most dangerous one of all.

The one that keeps remind me of how much I’m regretting that I chose to finish my degree. Not because of the work involved. But because I can’t handle the emotional battering that goes with it, whether it comes from me or someone else.

So I’m trying to push all these into a box for later. It’s barely less than a week. I can handle this for so long. Right? Right.

Except that it’s like a chocolate addiction. The more I’m reminding myself of not thinking about it, the more, I am in fact reminding myself of the thing I’m not supposed to be thinking of.

So yeah… I ended up writing this to give my thoughts air. Hopefully they’ll stop breeding and crowding out my studies.

What do you do when the stress gremlin has you in its sights?

The Juggling Act (This is NOT an announcement of a hiatus.)


Hi all! As you can see, I haven’t done a TCoML in almost a week. Not because I didn’t want to, but rather because I couldn’t. I’ve just been too busy with everything.

I remember last year when I was at University with a lot more subjects than just economics and I managed to post almost every day since August. But then, my life was pretty much in shambles and I was able to add blogging to only studying and writing.

Now, I have to study, to work, to sing, to dance, to edit, to write and to be a leader for my church youth. AND that blog I started in August (incidentally a year ago yesterday) now has 606 readers and I’m still posting (except for yesterday) five days a week. My book is done and I have to edit. I still want to get it done by next year.

And then there are the up and coming projects.

So yes, as my life grew, so did my workload to the point where I struggle to schedule anything.

The last time that happened was in my A-level year. Now I’m going to do now what I did then. I’m not going to schedule. I know what I have to do. I have my priority list (as it is right now):

1) Study and attend class
2) Work, editing, Youth, reading and writing
3) Singing, dancing and blogging
4) Drawing

Armed with that, I know what I should choose when I have time. Didn’t sit down to study yet? OK then. My blogging has to move. Unfortunately, that means that I won’t be able to always post (although I will try). It also means that I definitely can’t visit as many of you as I do usually. As much as I’d love to.

That is and always was the secret to my life: It isn’t a balancing act. It’s a juggling act and sometimes I need to know when I have too many balls in the air. That’s when I start putting some of them in my pocket for later.

But it will only be for ten more weeks. Then ball number one will be gone forever and the rest of my life will begin.

And that will be when I’ll be back with a vengeance and in the long run, everything will get done. I just can’t do everything at the same time.

In the mean time, I want to ask you to please think of me or pray for me as I go slaying one of the big giants in my life.

What about you? What do you do when your time gets limited? Do you juggle or balance? 


Blog Fest Admin

Hi all! Just want to let you know that I’m being hosted by Christina Dos Santos with a post about cliches. So please head over and say hi. ^_^

Also, I will be doing the blog fest post later today (along with the explanation of what said fest entails). I’d do the whole thing now, but I have a ton of work, so I need to graft right now. Alas, the life of the economics student…

Anyway, I’ll be back later! X

Turns out I don’t need to do both.

Well, I’ve found something rather interesting lately. After all my concerns about writing and editing at the same time, something occurred to me this morning as I woke up.

I’m studying. And I’m editing. Both take part in the same half of my brain.

So of course I’ll struggle with switching over to creativity. Because it’s not the way I’m thinking right now. Yes, I could skip back to creativity if I wanted, but do I really have the time to be diverted by my muse? Uhm…

Not while I’m still a week behind due to a webmaster that I will shoot soon.

Instead, my free hours can be spent studying or editing. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even be able to finish my edits before my exams.

In the mean time, I’ll use any free time I have left after the above to read and refill my creative reservoirs so that I can go mad in November.

I mean, it must mean something that my exam is on 31 October.

Because on 1 November I can join NaNo. ^_^ Maybe this year I might even stand a chance of winning…

Oh yes! And then there’s this

Anyone else found their planning thrown by the actions/cock ups of others? Who else will be joining NaNoWriMo?

Goal Change!

So… I realized something that will completely throw any semblance of seeking balance out the window.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but as of the end of July, I will be finishing my degree once and for all. And that means studying. LOTS of it.

It means that I will start spending a lot of time on summaries and concentrating on economics. From the very beginning. In other words: At the end of July.

Which means that I won’t be able to revise all the way into August. On the contrary. I’m going to have revise 300 pages and do two editing rounds in three weeks. Because I am not letting anything compete for my attention while I’m studying. (At least it’s on font 14 for now, so not quite as bad as it sounds.)

So… If I’m not on as regularly as before, or if I’m slow to respond, or rare on the blogs, please think of me, because I’ll be up all the way to my neck in edits and revisions.

Why then, you might wonder, am I in such a hurry? Well… I won’t be able to edit for three and a half months. Which means that I’ll be able to give my crit partners more than enough time to crit my story. When I’m done with exams in November, I’ll be throwing myself into rounds 3-6. Hopefully I’ll be in 7-10 half way through December. And 10 to 15/16 at the end of January.
Then I’ll decide what I’ll do with the completed result. Will I query? Will I look for publishers? Will I e-publish? I’ll see. By then, the market might be calm enough for me to see what is the best option.

In the mean time, I have a crap load of work to do.

Have any of you ever attempted to get through revisions as fast as I will be? How did it go? Am I completely insane to even think it’s possible?

Heeeeeeeeeere’s Misha!

I’m back!

Finally after weeks of drumming my nails to the quick with frustration.

You see, I nearly died of curiosity to see what was happening to all of my bloggy friends.

Sigh. And here I am.

There’s so much to tell you!

So… I’ll do it news-style.

1) As you are well aware, I now have a job. Sadly (?) it involves commerce, but it is exciting enough to keep me interested. The only thing that I have against commerce is the fact that most of the jobs involve sitting at your desk and doing accounts.

This one does too, but it’s a high adrenaline kind of job. ^_^

When I have something to do.

When I don’t… I get to write.

2) Speaking of which. Work settled down enough on Thursday for me to write between e-mail checks. Since then, I have written almost 20 k words! Ten thousand of which was on the Doorways rewrite.

3) I looove being in full swing with Doorways. I’ve moved some things around and hurried things along a little. For now, it writes like a dream. It’s great to know where things are going.

The only thing that is a little tricky about the book is voice. I have two, and the story requires me to switch between them every now and then. And right now, Callan is drowning out anything and everything that James has to say.

4) In unrelated news, I know of a registrar’s secretary who will have a very bad day on Monday. My registration is due on Tuesday, but they still haven’t opened up my account. I hope for her sake that my account is open by 08h30 on Monday.

Right now, I’m not angry.

I’m storing it for later…

5) Good news again: I was given an award! I will blog about it on Monday when more people are online.

6) I’m pathetic at remembering news. Which probably doesn’t count. I’m sure you all realized how scatterbrained I am.

So…

What’s news there? You can’t believe how much I missed you.

Rock Bottom and Sky High.

So sorry for my unannounced absence these past few days.

Monday kind of got lost between research for that other WiP of mine and I promised to write an awesome post on Tuesday.

On Tuesday, I hit rock bottom. As in, if I was through dynamite and a shovel, I’d have found myself in China. I don’t know whether it’s due to staffing problems, laziness or just plain insensitivity, but my illustrious Tertiary institution decided to let me know by TEXT MESSAGE that I would not be allowed to continue my studies. No reason. Nothing. Just one hundred and sixty characters’ worth of soul destruction.

By this morning though, I came to an interesting realization. I had hit the bottom of the hole, so there was nothing else to do but salvage and/or move on. The time had finally arrived for me to tough it out. So I drove to my University and asked for an explanation from the admin. See… I could not grasp how I could be kicked out on a single subject. The message made me almost doubt in myself, since I started to think that I could have failed another one or two of the subjects. Funny how quickly that came up.

But then I made a funny decision to a) Trust God in where He was going to make me go and b) refuse to believe that I could have done so badly after I had written so well for the other modules. c) Find a job that would be worth my while. I might not have a degree, but I would not let that ruin my life. By gum! (I should mention that I get very blustery when I tough things out. When I start gritting my teeth, people should run for their basements.)

So I walked into the lady’s office and asked quite nicely for an explanation. (See, for all my bluster, I also know that it’s much easier to get things done by asking nicely.) And here it is. One of my module’s marks have yet to be confirmed. They had turned the entire process of admissions over to a computer program that reads an unconfirmed mark as a 0% performance. That, with the economics was just enough to put me on the so called blacklist. 

But basically, I had nothing to worry about until 10 January. But I was much too relieved to be annoyed. 

In fact I was almost in tears. 

But I stuck to my job decision and started looking. I found a job as a restaurant manager close to my home and applied. The owner called me back a few hours later for an interview! So if everything goes well, I might be employed by the end of December. 

I’m thrilled! But I’m still praying about it. If I’m meant to get the job, I will. If not, I know that something better is on the way. 

That’s my news. Anything big happen since I was around last?

Phew!

Ever been worried about doing or telling someone something?

Well, as some of you might know… I’ve been working really hard to get together the guts to tell my mom about my economics.

Yesterday we were driving and spoke about completely other things and studying somehow came up. Before I knew what was happening, I blurted out that my economics were well beyond salvage now. To my surprise, it didn’t turn into our customary fight, but rather we started speaking about why I was struggling to study the work required. 

For those of you that were wondering, think four old family Bibles. In essays. With the succession of essays having nothing to do with each other. And most of the essays have a lack of coherence. The authors clearly never learnt that the intro needs to involve the topic, or that the body needs to involve the intro. Or that the conclusion must have something to do with the essay they had written.

Sorry. I really get angry that we are marked strictly on the form and structure of any essays we write, but are then forced to sit through work that is far below that standard, just because the writer of that essay has a M or a PHD tagged to his degree.

I know that they know more than I do, but it does not cancel out the fact that 75% of them need an editor.

Oh. And while I’m this hideously off topic, wouldn’t it be nice if our lecturers actually read what they selected? That way, they would notice that what they give us in a way of information, does not correspond to the lectures…

“Read tomorrow’s essay before class,”  they say.
And then forget to mention which of the essays happen to be the ones that need to be read. I was not aware that economics students need to attend Paranormal Studies 148: Telepathics.

Phew. Aaaaaanyway… I pretty much went into that rant yesterday, and I assume my mother got what I meant. Well… She commented as follows…

“So you always think that you’re above average. Are you saying no-one passed?”

My reply:

“No, but I estimate that about 80% of the class sat through the course at least twice.” Which is a valid point to make. Our average third year subjects have around 200-250 students enrolled. Economics: 600-800. Hmm…

And that was that. My secret is out. I still have my head…

Kidding. My mother is seriously an awesome woman. Just the fact that she took the news this calmly attests to it. We just don’t always understand each other the way we’d like to. It is the curse of being in a stubborn family. We take a point, form an opinion and stick with it until the time that someone can change our opinions. And that means conflict.

Lots of it.

But there isn’t a woman out there that I love and respect more than her. It’s just that our opinions about the direction of my life tend to differ.

Sigh.

To think that I’ve been ranting about coherence. I think I covered three topics in one composition…

Academia here I come! 

;-P

How are you doing? Who finished their NaNo’s? Any stories of telling someone something scary? How did it turn out?  

The post where I wrote what I didn’t want to say.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to rant.

It’s more of a venting…

Fact is that I’m ten days away from my last exam. I wish I could say last exam ever, but since I don’t know if that is the case, I decided to rather not be the die-hard optimist. Anyway…

That’s not what I want to go into. I’ll go into it when I’m really really back. Right now I’m more of a I’m hiding out from my other responsibilities back. Which is why I must keep this post short.

If I write too much, things are going to come out that would serve me better tightly caged. So…

Sometimes I hate thinking. In stead of making things clearer, thinking muddles everything up. Like worrying about what happens next.

There. See? I did it again. I freaking can’t stop. It’s like trying to stop a runaway train with a penny.

Right now, not thinking is taking so much concentration that I can’t really think about anything else.

Not a good state in which to find myself when I have to finish my exams.

Not that it matters. Since my economics happened again. This time slightly differently, but with the exact same effect. Well… not exactly the same. I got two poems (I think) out of it. In two languages.

Did I get a degree out of it?

A most emphatic no. See… when you write your predicate test in October and suddenly draw a complete blank (and I do mean complete) remaining calm to get through the work with a miraculous second chance just isn’t as possible as people seem to think. I studied for five weeks this time. I gave up my NaNo aspirations in order to get through the work. I did everything I could. 

I kept myself together admirably if I say so myself, even when I knew I wasn’t nearly prepared enough to feel good about writing. I sat down and turned the page. 

And… Nothing. Not a single solitary thing registered. I sat through an hour and a half out of three, trying to recall what I knew. I wrote two poems just to calm down enough to think. Nothing… Actually I think I wrote the poems just to create noise. It felt strange to be the only person in the room except the invigilator that wasn’t writing. 

In some sort bleak irony, that was the first time in months that my mind went completely quiet. 

Not that peaceful, calming quiet with running water and laughing children in the distance. I’m talking about that eerie roaring silence you get after a bomb went off close by. 

I think that I wrote “Sorry” in the answer sheet.

Maybe.

I can’t remember. 

Oh my word I wasn’t even going to write about this. I was going to mope fore a bit about how I can’t study because I want to write, but can’t write because I need to study. Something like that. But I guess this had to get out.

I haven’t told anyone yet. Everyone is assuming that there is hope, but refusing to talk about it. No one except for me, and now you, know how badly it really went. I just can’t deal with telling them. Maybe I’m a coward now.

Still… I feel a lot better now. It isn’t ruling my thoughts as much as before. So I can maybe pull myself together enough to get through the next ten days or so until I can face up to what I had allowed to happen to me and to the repercussions of it all.

But not right now. Now, I have to knuckle down and finish what I can.