Need I say more?
… I had something to write for this post, but after doing some major shifts in my life, I just… Don’t… know what to say.
Well… for one thing I’m back. Finished my edits on Monday. Yes, damned fast, but then this was a read through to catch flow issues, so speed might have been a good thing.
Took yesterday to query again, so now I’m back on needles and pins, waiting to hear back from agents.
Basically I’ve quit something that made a rather significant impact on my life for two years. It feels strange. I’m liberated. I suddenly have five free hours a week. I hadn’t had so much time since before I got my degree.
Still… I established a sort of relationship with the people I’d worked with. So now I feel a little bad. It’s not one of those: “HA! see how you deal without me!” moments.
It’s more of a regret that I couldn’t do more. I started out so optimistic and excited. Now I have nothing left. I’d put in way too much and nothing changed for the better.
Maybe it’s wrong with me, but there are three things I hate above all in this world: 1) Hypocrisy 2) Complacency and 3) Stupidity.
By stupid, I’m referring to people refusing to learn. For two years, we’ve been dealing with a two consecutive leaders going with one thing, despite us (who actually see the effects) complaining repeatedly that what they were doing weren’t working.
Furthermore, just going along and getting by isn’t enough. It doesn’t even approach RIGHT. And since they didn’t listen, it just continued.
#1 is aimed at me though. I hate hypocrisy in other people, so I make a point of rooting it out in myself as far as I can. And when I have a blog about how to be happy and how happy I am, being unhappy to the point of crying yesterday just isn’t an option for me.
Those aren’t necessarily the reasons why I quit, but they’re the reasons why I’m damn glad I did.
What about you? Have you made any big changes in your life after realizing some things made you unhappy?
WARNING! RANT TO FOLLOW.
There is nothing as stupid as a human being with herd mentality.
I’m sorry, but it’s true.
Usually, I fold away my annoyance and put it to the back of my mind, but now, I am tired and I am stressed.
My bullshit capacity is overtaxed.
My inhibition – you know, the one that prevents me from turning into my dark, twisted, cynical bitch of an alter ego – is on its last legs.
And one of the few things that make me really happy has been soured (perhaps beyond salvage), because of the fact that people in the choir round on me without even bothering to see why I’m saying what I’m saying.
Hell, I even made sure I said it nicely. BUT oh no! In a crowd of over-forties, HOW DARE I HAVE AN OPINION? Moreover, how do I stick to it? Alone? Despite their attempts to steamroller me into their view.
One that is WRONG.
And this isn’t one of those chicken or egg issues. It’s music. Specifically the tempo. As indicated on the page and TAUGHT TO ME by the composer. I mean, I’d think that the music director would actually go through the trouble to READ what was written.
As frustrating as that is, it would not have bothered me if the three stooges sitting in front of me didn’t target me all the way through the practice, with tacit consent from the music director.
So now I’ve made a decision.
I only have so much time. I am not willing to spend it with childish over-forty-year-olds who are more focused on how they look in front of choir-mates than how they’re going to sound when they sing.
If this shit continues, I’ll find something else to do.
Because heaven knows, I have learnt to stay out of situations that bring out my dark side.
This is so annoying.
On Friday I decided that it was time for a change, so I went hunting for a new background. (Hope you like it.) I was really excited. Especially after my first concert went really well.
Then… this happened. To say the least, it’s a setback of the first order. For one thing, nothing looks quite as shiny as before.
NaNo is starting to look… unlikely.
As does my chances of getting anything written or edited.
Because if I fail my exam, I’ll have to go studying right through November. If I fail that, I have a deans exam in (I think) January.
If I fail that, I’m going to set fire to the text books and dance around it with glee.
Either way. Whether I pass this fucking subject or not, I’m done. There will be no more repeat performances.
My life will NOT be put on hold for another year.
Because fact is. I’m sick to my stomach of trying to understand what I’m supposed to write in tests when the text seems to be irrelavant.
I am sick of the fact that I have to sit down in my exam, wondering if I should write down what I know (i.e. what was written in the texts), or if I should guess what my lecturers want me to say.
I’m tired of being constantly reminded of the fact that this subject isn’t about my knowledge. It isn’t about how much work I put in. It isn’t about fucking anything, because policy will change. The people who pass the course will go on to change it, making everything I learned mean pretty much nothing.
I’m tired of spending hour upon hour trying to prepare for the academic equivalent of Russian roulette. Where the scores you get on the essays are more dependant on who marks it than the actual quality of the work.
I’m sick and tired of fighting to save something that should have been euthanized in my first year already.
My heart breaks at the thought that a time of my life that should be remembered with fondness has become my prison.
That the night I should have celebrated my success has become the night where I celebrate my failure.
Needless to say, I’m now stuck in that place where, if I were a boxer, I’d be lying face down on the boards, waiting for the ref to count me out. If I wasn’t so pissed off, I’d probably just stay there.
But oh no. I’m going to get up. And I am going to come back swinging. Starting today.
Because I did not sacrifice another year just to give up now.
I don’t even want to read what I had written yesterday.
Very very sorry for that.
I’ve been suppressing my feelings for some now (almost two weeks), so I guess it kind of exploded the first time I decided to write about any strong feelings I’ve been having, despite the fact that those feelings had nothing to do with what I was suppressing. Maybe it’s because I SUCK at emotional suppression.
Anyway. I just realized that I was very rude yesterday, so, may I wish my US readers a belated Happy Thanksgiving?
Hope you all had a great time with your families.
How are you doing?