Insecure Writer’s Support Group: Probably the Most Damaging Insecurity I’ve Ever Had

Gosh, I can’t believe it’s time for another IWSG post again. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, the Insecure Writer’s Support Group is a bloghop where we share our fears, doubts and insecurities once a month. The idea is for everyone to see they’re not alone in what they’re feeling, and also for everyone to encourage each other, or to give advice if you’ve been there and made it through. If you would like more information or to sign up, just click here.

I actually considered skipping today, because man, I’ve been having some serious troubles writing.

But here’s the thing. I realized earlier that the major insecurity I’ve been suffering from for the past two or three months is a lie. 

So I thought I’d share a bit of what’s going on with me. Finally figured out a way in which to put my feelings in a publishable format.

There’s a bit of a challenge, because I can’t really explain why I felt this way. I did explain on my Patreon page, since I wanted my patrons to know where I am in my life, but I couldn’t make it a public posting, because I have quite a good reason not to want to put everything up in public unfiltered where a Google Search can pick it up. So. If you want to see a full picture, I’m afraid it’s going to cost a dollar. If not, no pressure. I think you’ll be able to get by without the full picture.

Why? Because I’m a writer, damn it. I’ll make it work.

Right.

So.

*Deep breath.*

Basically from the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for.

Man. That sentence was harder than I thought. Already in tears.

Okay. I can do this.

From the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for. Basically for the past ten years, I’ve been keeping myself functioning by relentlessly chasing down my dream of becoming a writer, and then later of making a living off my writing skills.

And that was great, because there was always something to work towards. A book to write/edit. Marketing to do… And so on and so forth.

But then partly thanks to a very close relative and some supposed “friends,” my life started to unravel in 2014.

And it kept on unraveling.

And kept on unraveling.

To the point where in March, I stopped being able to even hope that one day it would be okay. It didn’t help that I was already earning my living from writing and it just wasn’t enough to stabilize the shit storm that my life has become.

That was the worst. Because if I wasn’t happy now, what was the point of building toward the future anyway?

It started as a single thought that multiplied and multiplied until it became a belief that simply wouldn’t go away.

But here’s the thing.

 

It’s a lie. Or worse, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

 

Because if I believe that my future is dead in the water, I’m going to stop trying to fight for it. And if I stop trying to fight for it, all hope is lost, and my future as I want it really will die.

And today I had the blessing of being given a chance to step back and evaluate. And to remember that although I have a grand future planned, I also have a closer, smaller, more short-term future. One where I have a new book (or two) published. One where that book acts as a stepping stone to what I consider to be my empire. Also, one where after two years of putting it off, I have an actual proper author website and stuff.

That smaller future is something I want. Badly. And it doesn’t matter whether my life wants to fall to pieces. I have the skills and tools at my disposal to make that smaller future happen.

But to do that, I have to stop lying to myself. I have to stop thinking that I’m going to be trapped in limbo forever.

Maybe you’re in the same boat as me. In which case, I want to remind you to stop lying to yourself as well. There is a future you want, and there is a way for you to get there. Once you remember that, it becomes easier to to figure out what you need to do and how to do it, regardless of what’s going on in the present.

Thanks for reading!

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I’ve been self-censoring a lot lately. And really, I hate it. I always told myself that the day I could no longer be honest with myself and others on my blog would be the day I stopped blogging.

And really, whether it was a willing decision or not, that’s what’s been happening.

I’m sitting with multiple ideas for blog post topics, but the truth I’m having to stare in the face is taking up so much real estate in my mind that the instinct I try to write about something other than the truth, I get blocked.

But the instant I face the truth, I realize it’s hardly publishable online.

I just deleted half my blog post again.

And… again.

Yeah. Stuff it. I’m packing it in for today.

Update Day

It’s the last Friday of the month, which means that’s it’s time for another Update Day post. For those of you who don’t know, a group of us set some crazy or important goals, and then, once a month, we post updates.

If you would like to join in, you can click this link for more information.

So how April went for me…

Sigh.

I’m just really glad I didn’t set any specific goals for this month.

At the same time, though, I’m annoyed by how everything seems to conspire to prevent me from achieving anything I set out to do.

Still alive though, so that counts, right?

Update Day

This post is for Update Day, which is our once-a-month update for the Got Goals Bloghop.

I’m a few days late in updating, and I have two reasons for it. Firstly, Update Day fell on Good Friday, which I had decided not to post on, and then I got majorly side-tracked on Thursday, which was when I was planning to write and schedule my update post.

Secondly… I got easily side-tracked because I had been procrastinating on writing this post. And… you know… blogging in general.

Why? Well… the thing with a monthly update (and blogging as a whole, really) is that it requires a certain amount of introspection.

Usually, it’s the case that I would feel like I achieved little, and would end up being surprised at how much I actually did get done.

March was another beast. One that I did not, and still don’t, want to face.

….

…………………………………………

Okay. I just faced it and it’s just making me feel nihilistic (and like I’m going to jump from somewhere high in the near future), so let’s not post that on the blog, even though I doubt anyone will see this thanks to A to Z. (She says after deleting about half the post she’s written.)

Suffice it to say… I didn’t achieve anything of not last month. And odds are there’s not going to be much in the way of improvement in April. On the contrary.

So I’m not going to set any goals, because I’m just going to hopefully let myself be pleasantly surprised in a few weeks.

I’m probably not going to blog much until the next Update Day either. So if I’m quiet this month… don’t worry… I’m probably around somewhere… But April happens to be a good blog break time if you’re not taking part in A to Z. (I’m not.)

IWSG: Thoughts and Prayers Appreciated

Since it’s the first Wednesday of the month, it’s time to do another Insecure Writer’s Support Group Post. If you’d like to join in or just see more information on what this bloghop is about, please feel free to click here.

Today’s title deals with neither writing nor an insecurity per se, but I thought I’d take a moment to ask those of you who pray to shoot a quick prayer up for me and my family.

As some of you might know, I live quite close to Cape Town, which is currently facing something of a dystopian-level event in July, namely where the water levels in our dams will be so low that the city will be turning off the water supply to homes, and people will be required to queue for water at a few hundred water points.

Well… what you guys don’t know is that my family business (and me) have basically been quietly but slavishly working on offering the City a possible band-aid to help stave off Day Zero. I can’t give you guys precise details just yet, but to tell you guys it’s been a Hurculean effort on the part of our small business is a bit of an understatement.

But people said we wouldn’t be able to approach the City… But we did. They said that we wouldn’t be able to get the resources together to make the business work, not even on paper. But through God’s grace, that’s done too.

Today, we submitted our pitch to the City government at their request, and now we have to wait to hear whether or not they give us the Okay Go.

At the moment, my fingers are shaking as I type this, as we have literally done every single thing we could do to make this happen. It all depends on a yes or no from the City of Cape Town. But I can definitely say that if we get a yes, this will by far be the biggest thing I’ve ever been part of in my life.

So if you pray, please ask God that His will is done, and that if it is His will, that He would continue to supernaturally intervene in this business in order to help us pull it through.

Okay… Bringing it back to the point of IWSG…

Given that this business thing has basically consumed my thoughts lately, I’m a bit low on writing right now to even think about being insecure over it. So… Today I’m going to answer this month’s question:

How do you celebrate when you achieve a writing goal/ finish a story?

Usually, I just dance around a bit and brag about it on social media. Overall, though, I don’t see this as a major achievement yet. The big celebration is for when I actually publish something.

What about you? How do you celebrate finishing a story?

I just don’t feel like writing.

I really can’t believe that more than a week has passed since I last posted. I kept thinking that I’d at least post once more, but somehow, that never materialized.

There are a few reasons for this, like the major freelance job I got and the major development in the family business that kept me busy.

But then there are other reasons too, like how I’ve just been having this urge to play on Photoshop. (The results of which I’ll probably be revealing over the next few weeks on Wednesdays.)

Thing is, I didn’t have to do those things. I just wanted to. It never even occurred to me that I was procrastinating from my writing until I actually had to sit down and write this post.

See, I have about a month’s worth of posts planned, so I have about 12 interesting topics to choose from today. Buuuuuuuut…. I just don’t feel like writing.

So here I am, writing about not feeling like writing.

On the plus side, at least the words are flowing naturally here, so I’m not in severe burn-out territory.

I’m just feeling like my creative urges have shifted gear into visual forms instead. I’m still going to edit, though, since that mostly uses a different part of my brain.

But for today, I decided to give myself a pass, and just wanted to let you guys know why I was so quiet last week.

How are you doing? Do you also sometimes find your attention unexpectedly pulled to another art form? 

Update Day: February

Well that was somewhat annoying. I missed my own bloghop, thanks to internet gremlins getting into my internet connection just as I wanted to write this post.

Anyhow. The Got Goals? Bloghop is a group of us who have set some crazy or some seriously important goals. Once a month, on the last Friday, we post updates on our progress. For more information or to join in, click here for more information.

Last month, I set some goals for February that are aimed at bringing me closer to my goals for the year. So let me take a look at each goal and how I did.

1) I want to finish this revision round of Book 3 by month end, if I can. 

I don’t think I’m going to get there before the end of the month, but I am through 70% of my chapters.

2) I want to make a final decision with regards to whether I’m going to use my old system of CPs for each round of edits after this point, or hire an editor. 

Because of me not finishing, I think I’m moving this decision out to next month.

3) I want to post regular updates to my blog and vlog, and also update the content that goes to my other networks. (The two are related.) 

I’m not quite happy with my progress here. Although I did much better than I did last year, I still missed days thanks to my unexpectedly hectic schedule. We’ll have to see how I do next month.

4) Maintain and further improve the healthy habits I’ve started to establish in January.

I actually took this a step further. So now I’m drinking large amounts of water every day. I’m also exercising more and finally, I’ve cut all refined carbs from my diet. This decision has been a while in coming. See, I love love love bread and other baked goods, but I just don’t like how they make me feel. But it’s really hard, basically impossible for me to just lower my carb intake, so in the end, I decided to cut out basically everything but healthy carbs like those in fruit and veg.

5) Read for an average of 15 minutes per day. 

This month was a bit hard for me. I was really busy, and because of my prioritizing my editing, I’m currently closer to 10 minutes per day. I might still get to 15 minutes if I get a few hours’ reading in over the weekend.

So because I still have to do all these things, I’m just going to set the same goals for March.

How did February treat you? Have you been making progress in February? What would you like to achieve next month?