Insecure Writer’s Support Group: Probably the Most Damaging Insecurity I’ve Ever Had

Gosh, I can’t believe it’s time for another IWSG post again. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, the Insecure Writer’s Support Group is a bloghop where we share our fears, doubts and insecurities once a month. The idea is for everyone to see they’re not alone in what they’re feeling, and also for everyone to encourage each other, or to give advice if you’ve been there and made it through. If you would like more information or to sign up, just click here.

I actually considered skipping today, because man, I’ve been having some serious troubles writing.

But here’s the thing. I realized earlier that the major insecurity I’ve been suffering from for the past two or three months is a lie. 

So I thought I’d share a bit of what’s going on with me. Finally figured out a way in which to put my feelings in a publishable format.

There’s a bit of a challenge, because I can’t really explain why I felt this way. I did explain on my Patreon page, since I wanted my patrons to know where I am in my life, but I couldn’t make it a public posting, because I have quite a good reason not to want to put everything up in public unfiltered where a Google Search can pick it up. So. If you want to see a full picture, I’m afraid it’s going to cost a dollar. If not, no pressure. I think you’ll be able to get by without the full picture.

Why? Because I’m a writer, damn it. I’ll make it work.

Right.

So.

*Deep breath.*

Basically from the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for.

Man. That sentence was harder than I thought. Already in tears.

Okay. I can do this.

From the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for. Basically for the past ten years, I’ve been keeping myself functioning by relentlessly chasing down my dream of becoming a writer, and then later of making a living off my writing skills.

And that was great, because there was always something to work towards. A book to write/edit. Marketing to do… And so on and so forth.

But then partly thanks to a very close relative and some supposed “friends,” my life started to unravel in 2014.

And it kept on unraveling.

And kept on unraveling.

To the point where in March, I stopped being able to even hope that one day it would be okay. It didn’t help that I was already earning my living from writing and it just wasn’t enough to stabilize the shit storm that my life has become.

That was the worst. Because if I wasn’t happy now, what was the point of building toward the future anyway?

It started as a single thought that multiplied and multiplied until it became a belief that simply wouldn’t go away.

But here’s the thing.

 

It’s a lie. Or worse, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

 

Because if I believe that my future is dead in the water, I’m going to stop trying to fight for it. And if I stop trying to fight for it, all hope is lost, and my future as I want it really will die.

And today I had the blessing of being given a chance to step back and evaluate. And to remember that although I have a grand future planned, I also have a closer, smaller, more short-term future. One where I have a new book (or two) published. One where that book acts as a stepping stone to what I consider to be my empire. Also, one where after two years of putting it off, I have an actual proper author website and stuff.

That smaller future is something I want. Badly. And it doesn’t matter whether my life wants to fall to pieces. I have the skills and tools at my disposal to make that smaller future happen.

But to do that, I have to stop lying to myself. I have to stop thinking that I’m going to be trapped in limbo forever.

Maybe you’re in the same boat as me. In which case, I want to remind you to stop lying to yourself as well. There is a future you want, and there is a way for you to get there. Once you remember that, it becomes easier to to figure out what you need to do and how to do it, regardless of what’s going on in the present.

Thanks for reading!

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7 thoughts on “Insecure Writer’s Support Group: Probably the Most Damaging Insecurity I’ve Ever Had

  1. Brave post and very much something that touches more people than will admit it. Drifting between can write, can’t write is an author’s bane. They call that cognitive dissonance and it can paralysed people. Unable to make a decision.

    In mindfulness the lie is spoken by a default mind that likes the comfort zone. Sitting nice and stopping us doing anything good, removing purpose and making everything seem rubbish. It’s the place most sit, but at a different level. The low level one stood executive higher brain from over-riding it by constantly loading it with what’s the point?

    You are pot on. It’s a lie and it’s trying to stop us achieving.

    Great post and keep that flipping lie from ruling the show 😊

    1. Hi Gary, thanks for stopping by!

      It’s definitely easier to do nothing in these situations, but that’s such a waste, really.

      1. My pleasure. And you’re so right. Once that mindset has taken hold it’s so difficult to throw it out. It’s a constant battle to tell it to clear off. It is indeed such a waste too!

        Onwards and upwards says I!

  2. We tell ourselves a lot of lies. Lies about food. Lies about friends. Lies about why things aren’t changing. And lots of lies about ourselves. And we believe them all. Sometimes for way too long.

    Good luck on focusing on the journey, instead of the destination. The journey is what makes us human, makes us complete. What helps me to combat the lies is to focus on my goals for the month ahead. It’s a good feeling when small goals that feed the big goals are accomplished.

    Talk to you soon 🙂

    Ronel visiting on Insecure Writer’s Support Group day: Autumn Decisions

    1. Very true. We lie so much to ourselves that it can sometimes be hard to sift through them all. In fact, doing so often feels like spring cleaning to me.

  3. Though not to the extent you’re experiencing, I too feel like I’m trapped in limbo, just because every time I try to make some progress, life comes around and slaps me down. But we can make it, bit by bit. Keep striving for the dream, Misha!

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