Paralysis

I want to write a blog post today, because I know it’s good for me. The thing is, I’m struggling. Maybe I’m burned out, but it feels like my words have become a hopelessly tangled heap of strings, and every string I pull brings out a whole host of strings I didn’t want to see.

So I guess the words are there (which is new for me.) It’s just that there are too many of them. Too many emotions. But hey, it’s April so it’s unlikely that a lot of you will read this post anyway. So I get to just air some words and see what comes out.
The truth is, I feel stuck. I’ve mentioned that my life by and large sucks at the moment, which is fair enough, but until recently, I’ve always had writing to give me a sense of movement. As long as I made progress on my work in progress, that was okay, because then I was actually working toward something.
But that also meant that I have been flirting on the edge of burning out for a long time. And by a long time, I mean basically from March 2014. Maybe even earlier.
The thing is, that thing I mentioned before with my family member who spectacularly fucked us over… It gave me a good old shove into the abyss, and now I’m here with no idea about how to get out.
And if I’m honest, I might actually be self-sabotaging.
See in the aftermath, I tried to sit down and write, because I know it’s good for me. Because I need to feel like at least something is moving in the wrong direction and…. Nothing. Like… even the notes I’d left for myself to guide me toward the end of the story feel like some other parson wrote them. When I think about writing right now, I just feel… numb.
And I hate it. So instead of writing, I spent the most of the past month doing nothing. It’s not that I’m lazy per se. I’m still working, editing for people, formatting for people…that sort of thing. But when it comes to doing something for myself, something that could actually get me climbing out of the abyss again, I basically stare at the ladder out and do nothing.
Maybe I’ve been knocked down one time too many. And although things are starting to go a bit better, I don’t feel better. I feel like life is right there, dancing around and waiting for me to get onto my feet so it can hit me in the face again. And honestly, I don’t see the attraction of it.
Three years.
Three whole fucking years of this shit.
Two weeks ago was the third anniversary of getting my rights back from Etopia Press. So yes, it’s almost exactly three years since everything went to hell, because the crap with Etopia was the start. And man, I fought. I fought like a lion. Things went bad and I wrote more.
But here I am now, and I don’t know if I have anything left. Because everything I do feels like I’m just setting myself up for more harm.
So I do nothing.
I stare without blinking and fill my hours with nonsense. Not reaching for the ladder out of the abyss because I don’t want to face whatever is waiting for me up there.
Because that’s one thing I can say about being down here. If I don’t think about it too much, the paralysis is at least peaceful.
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5 thoughts on “Paralysis

  1. I know it might sound trite, Misha, but the only way out is through. Have you tried journalling? Not writing everything down exactly as it happens, but with hyperbole and what-ifs… making the situation worse than it is and better, worse and hilarious (in a bad way), until writing is once again something you do easily – like breathing.

  2. Yeah, you have to go through. I’ve been where you are. It was hard for me to blink when in that dark place. A friend told me, “Baby steps.” From there, I got better. I did what my soul said. I went with “I can.” It was only 2 things. So I did those two things. Publishing is hard. No lie. If you look at it as a living, it can get depressing. Write for the pure enjoyment of it, but don’t force it. You’re going through a lot. You have to let yourself feel and emote. There’s nothing wrong with owning your feelings. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. You’ll find your way out. I believe that, and I believe in you. I think when what’s surrounding you makes you feel more secure, the writing will come right back. Sending you a zillion hugs.

    1. Thanks so much for the advice. You’re right.

      I’m taking the approach of “as long as I’m doing SOMETHING”. Mainly right now that something is the freelance work I’m doing. But I think I’m going to try writing today.

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