I decided to sign up for the GUTGAA Pitch Polish bloghop, although I’m not quite sure what I can fix any more, after WriteOnCon. Still, if anyone sees any glaring errors, please feel free to point them out. Please just no “I don’t like it”s, “It doesn’t work for me”s or anything like that. They’re not all that helpful. In return, I can go over your query, if you want and you’re not signed up for GUTGAA. I’m all for quid pro quo when it comes to writing. ^_^
AUTHOR’S NAME: Misha Gericke
TITLE OF MANUSCRIPT: Doorways
GENRE: YA/NA Epic Fantasy
WORD COUNT: 112 000
Query: Please don’t crit this one. Only kept it in the post so everyone can see what the old comments were about. New pitch is below this one.
In the past five years, families from all over England have sent sixteen-year-old Callan Blair back to her orphanage. She’s not stupid enough to think her newest family will be any different, no matter how desperately she wishes to belong somewhere. Not with an evil entity living inside her since before she could remember, picking at random when to possess her and ruin her chances at happiness. The best thing to do is to go with the flow until she’s rejected and returned again.
This plan of action becomes impossible when she bumps into a sadistic asshole on her first day of school. Because he decides he’s in love and kidnaps her.
After hurting her just to prove a point, the Psycho drags Callan to a hallway where every door opens to a wondrous fantasy world she never knew existed. Before he can force her through one, however, Callan is rescued by a small army from the world beyond the doors and taken to their country. There Callan learns two things: Her parents both came from this strange world and her mother had been an elvish princess.
Lacking any knowledge of her parents’ pasts, Callan wants nothing more than to unravel her mother’s secrets. Why did she leave her country? And why did she keep her past hidden? Callan also longs to take her rightful place in her mother’s family — her family. But a series of huge obstacles stand in her way. The elves despise her. Her own grandfather marries her off to the neighboring royal family living in the country where the Psycho lays in wait. The evil within her is gaining strength and wants her to die. As if those problems aren’t enough, she must choose if she’ll go through with the wedding or not. And her choice will either have her keeping her new world’s tenuous peace or sparking a war that has been generations in coming.
DOORWAYS is an 112,000 word YA/NA Fantasy Epic with series potential.
New Query based on comments: Changed again to clarify and tighten up.
In the past five years, sixteen-year-old London girl Callan Blair has been returned to her orphanage so many times she lost hope of ever belonging with a family. Whenever there’s a chance, the evil entity inside her awakens and does exactly enough to get her rejected. The accompanying panic attacks and nightmares are intensifying, so Callan knows her newest family experience will be identical to the others.
Except this time she bumps into a sadist who decides he’s in love and kidnaps her.
He drags Callan to a hallway where every door opens to a fantasy world she never knew existed. Fortunately, a small army from there rescues her and take her to their home. Before they get there, though, Callan learns a staggering truth: the elvish king is her grandfather.
Callan longs to fit in with her true family, but the elves despise her, and her grandfather arranges her marriage into the neighboring royal dynasty — in the country where the sadist waits. Meanwhile the evil entity is getting stronger and wants to kill her as long as she follows her grandfather’s bidding. But is belonging somewhere worth risking her life? Or even marrying a total stranger? If not, her choice not to go through with the wedding will spark a war that has been generations in coming.
DOORWAYS is a 112,000 word YA/NA Fantasy Epic with series potential.
First 150 words:
Breathe in, breathe out, spur the horse into a gallop.
Easy. Natural. Soothing. Far from the orphanage. Far from its matron and the rejects. Far from dreams of carnage and death.
The lush park was heaven in comparison, with children laughing and playing, lovers strolling and only a Boeing streaking overhead to prove they were in the middle of London.
Callan guided the gelding to where Mrs. Sotheby, her only hope at promotion, stood waiting.
She worked with the young gelding’s quirks, trotting around the older lady, letting him find his stride. He sensed Callan’s excitement and it made him a bit more tense than he should have been. Nothing to worry about. Nothing she couldn’t control. Breathing deeply, she relaxed her grip on the reins and allowed the gelding his peace.
Even though her stomach still flipped every now and then, the horse settled down beneath her.